All Day, No Play

My cool roommate came home the other day with a huge smile on his face. He walks in the door and throws this bag on the table telling me that I need to check this shit out. He pulls out what at first thought was the coffee grinder that we already had, then I looked a little closer. It was a brand new vaporizer equipped with lights all over it to entertain our stoner brains! His excitement got me excited and my marijuana glands began to get excited at the thought. Immediately afterwards I was informed that we smoked all of our herbs the night before. Naturally, we make some phone calls. About 6 hours later, still no luck. So we get a great new smoking device that we can’t even use all day because we randomly find ourselves in a dry spell (which never happens in the city). How goddamn Class6 is that?

McLovin: Photo Credit

Rape and Pillage Our Women!

You look like a combination of 8 people that I know all at once.

So, that new roommate that we got, we finally got her to wake up the other night to take her out to a friend’s party. After I raped face at beer pong and every other drinking game they could come up with that I changed the rules to, me and the original cool roommate went home in victory. We left that chick there because we just genuinely don’t give a shit. The next day we wake up in the morning and I open her door to yell at what I thought was an empty room saying “Did you get raped and pillaged last night?” To my surprise I heard a “yes” come from the room and then I actually looked in the door to notice a hipster that my cool roommate said looked like 8 people he knew all at once in bed with the hibernating chick that we call our roommate. Weird. Then we made her make us breakfast and clean the house as we made fun of her for the rest of the day, she has been sleeping for days since then.

Hipster: Photo Credit

Unwanted Vibrations

Yeah, kinda like that.

There are so many kinds of farts out there that we can’t categorize them all. The other day we were sitting around smoking, drinking, and doing other sorts of dumbfuckery when I had to fart. Naturally, I did not hesitate and let it go immediately. There was some serious thrust going on with this fart and I seriously elevated off the floor a little bit letting it go. My cool roommate sitting across the room in a chair suddenly had a disturbed look take over his face as he said in a fearful tone, “I felt the vibrations from your fart in my testicles.” Now I know that a guys balls can be sensitive, but I did not know that they could be used to detect farts from across the room. So now I wonder, what other things can our testicles pick up on out in the world? Also, should I be worried about having such powerful farts?

Heavy Vibrations: Photo Credit

Take A Few Shots And Pass Out For A Week

Thumbs up for those chicks that promised they would outdrink you!

So I just got another new roommate at the apartment. At first things seemed great, but after our first night of drinking with her at the place, things are not looking so good. She took a few shots (3-4) of vodka with us while we pounded some beers and were chillin with other people. Not long afterwards, she fell out of a chair and hit (love tapped at best) her head on the tape deck that was laying on the floor. This couldn’t have happened at a rate that was any faster than watching a hippopotamus evolve into a rock. Somehow this made her pass out. It’s been a week and she’s only come out of her room about 3 times since. How do you take a few shots and pass out for a week? It’s like that collision of her head on the tape deck somehow put her in a coma that lasted longer than cassettes were ever popular.

She is extinct. Unfortunately, so are these beautiful machines.

On a positive note, she did wake up the other day for my other roommate and I to sneak in some funny shit. My original roommate told her at about 9a.m. right as she walks out of her room in the morning that “We require you to make us breakfast.” About ten minutes later we had pancakes on our plates even though we were only kind of kidding. Also the other night she woke up for a few minutes late at night, and the same roommate told her that he was too tired to make fun of her, she immediately responded in a sincere tone “that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me!” That very quote both made me laugh and feel extremely sorry for how sad this girl’s life must be if that was the nicest thing that we have said to her.

Bathroom: Photo Credit

Boombox: Photo Credit

Why Wouldn’t I Want A Popsicle

So, after a crazy ass long ass night of drinking and partying with some females, my roommate walks out of his room without a shirt, looks at me, and then asks me “why wouldn’t I want a popsicle?” then goes to freezer and starts eating a popsicle. Why?