Baby Iguanas Sleeping In Cage

A Better View

It was the summer of my twenty first birthday, and I intended to do what any freshly christened legal drinker would; get real drunk on the beach with my friends. I somehow managed to convince Chris (class6 founding member) and his family that I was an integral part of their family trip and that they should have the pleasure of my company. Honestly, I was kind of surprised when they agreed.

So Chris, Biggs (Chris’ good friend who who is also like family), and myself set off for Myrtle Beach in Bigg’s car planning to make a bee line from Akron to North Carolina.  The thirteen hours it took us to arrive in sweet paradise were filled with music, jays, and conversations of the shenanigans we would inevitably get into (and believe me, we did get into them).

Do we need a better view?

After anticipating the trip for over a week, finally arriving was a sigh of relief, and I was instantly transformed by the mellow atmosphere surrounding the ocean. Being from Ohio, I revel in every aspect of the beach. The way the air is tinged with salt, the cool and rhythmic breeze that does its best to fight the humidity, and above all else the sight of the ocean and its working; so needless to say I was a tad upset to learn Chris’ family had opted to get one of the only rooms without the view of the ocean. Now this was a small problem and really I have no reason to complain, after all, I was a guest on their vacation, but it would have been perfect being able to watch the oceans ebb from our balcony.

Family jumping in the sand at the beach

Where are all the fly college chicks?

NOTE: I was also rather disappointed to realize we were on the more family oriented side of the beach and pretty much all of the potential beach bunnies we saw turned out to be less then or equal to sixteen years of age (don’t judge us).

NOTE2: If your under 17, aka jail-bait, you should be required (by Man Law) to wear a one piece bathing suit. 15 year old girls should not be able to advertise a product that isn’t legal. This would make discerning girls from woman for vag seeking beach goers much easier.

A few days passed and the three of us got a very nice routine down.

1.Wake up

2. Breakfast

3. Drink

4. Drink at Beach

5. Evening activity

6. Drink in room

7. Late night beach drinking

8. stumble back to room and fight to  the death for air mattresses

9. sleep

repeat as necessary.

It was on the third or fourth night though that we witnessed an odd thing. We were in the middle of step 6: drink in room, and we had taken our conversation out the balcony.  You remember the one, it doesn’t overlook the beach and I absolutely despised it?  Ya that one. Well, we sat and watched people, precariously perched just out of sight from any on lookers. We passed the time until we would once more stumble down to the beach and witness its majesty by throwing firecrackers at the most opportune targets. ( i.e. pizza boys, groups of preteen girls wearing Jonas brothers shirts, seniors with weak hearts…you know the usual). After we had grown bored with our childish pranks we decided it was time to make our trek to the beach, but right as we began to leave a loud commotion caught our attention.

Our balcony overlooked the main entrance of our hotel and palm trees obscured the view from the ground so we were practically invisible to anyone. A police cruiser had pulled up to the entrance, the first one I had seen the entire trip. I was struck with panic, maybe some of those people we had thrown the firecrackers at had called the police on us and we were going to be arrested, for what I’m not sure, but I was panicked. It soon became clear however, that the police were there on some other business.  They exited the hotel just as quickly as they had entered it, but on their way out they came with a woman in cuffs. The following is a recreation of what transpired.

Woman in cuffs ( W.I.C): “What did I do officer what did I do?”

Police Officer: “Please calm down ma’am”

At this point the woman was placed against a police SUV

W.I.C: “Officer what did I do? I didn’t do anything, I didn’t do anything…..all I was doing was trying to sleep with my kids! What did I do?!”

Security Gaurd: “Ma’am please be quiet”

W.I.C: “YOU! You think you’re going to sleep tonight? You think you’re gonna dream? Well your WRONG! Your going to have nightmares! You got what you wanted tonight, didn’t you? Didn’t you?! I hope none of you have plans tomorrow. All of you bastards better be ready for a funeral because he’s going to dieee tonight. He’s going to die in his sleep.”

It was at this point the lady began speaking what I can only call a mixture of Arabic and gibberish


After about 10 minutes or so of her speaking in tongues, the officers got fed up and put her in the back of their car. The three of us remained on the balcony trying to decipher the mystery of just exactly why she got arrested. The guard who supposedly wouldn’t make it through the night left, and the other officers began filling out paperwork on the hood of the car. About 3 minutes pass. This scrawny white woman has managed to get into the front of the SUV and opens the driver side door. She casually starts walking back to the hotel with cuffs still binding her.


W.I.C: “What? Me? Going to my kids..what did I do?”

The police officer grabbed her and managed to wrestle her back into the car at which point he left with her, and the whole time they were pulling out she kept screaming “What did I do!?”

I guess balconies that don’t overlook the ocean aren’t so bad after all…

See a follow up to this story: The View From The Beach


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