Return to Sender: The Decline of the American Postal Service

Go Postal

Another one of those days

The other day I was having a discussion with my friend about this that and the other, the other being a particularly good topic. Anyway while we were chatting It occurred to me out of the blue that it seems ludicrous that we still have a Post Office. I shared this revelation with my friends and was met with odd glares across the bored….why? Why does everyone love “snail” mail so much? Once more I was struck with brilliance (it’s not that surprising really, it happens at least twice a minute), people don’t love the post office, people are afraid of change. Even though the postman generally delivers only bad news (i.e. bills, ads, restraining orders (some celebrities can be so touchy)) we still are afraid to let the long standing American Post office go the way of the telegram.

What need have we of the post office? In today’s society the usefulness of the post office is right up there with the glass hammer. I mean seriously, instead of paying annoying increments of money for postage and sending a letter that takes up to 5 days to ship most of the continental United States, we can just send a text message or an e-mail for free in a fraction of the time. Package deliveries are unnecessary also with the rise of third party shipping companies such as FedEx.

snail mail

Seriously, why bother?

So why do we have a Post Office in America, other then to give the postmaster general something to do 5 days out of the week? Well my esteemed readers we very well may not in the coming months. It seems the Post Office has gone bankrupt and to extrapolate their woes it seems Congress has cut their annual budget. All hope isn’t lost however, as Congress is feverishly scrambling for ideas to stimulate the P.O.. One senator even had the brilliant idea to allocate funds to a public service announcement advocating the sentimentality of writing letters. Gadzooks! Our Congress is filled with such movers and shakers, I am sure a PSA will do much more for the Post Office then, I don’t know, let’s say updating their corporate model to be compliant with today’s technology?

Perhaps Congress indeed will find a lifeboat for the Post Office to cling on to in its time of need, but I wouldn’t count on. However I would count on a mass mailman riot. They will parade their door-less vehicles into Washington, blue hats steadfast on their head and blue shorts accentuating their rugged masculinity and there will be blood. The American Mailman has withstood everything from vicious dogs, the elements, and paper cuts and are as battle hardened as a Spartan warrior. We as Americans have two choices: A) stock up, apocalypse style, and bunker down in our homes with our mailboxes closed until the war of the mailmen has ended or B) go out and send as many letters as you can to bail the P.O out of debt. It may be tedious and unnecessary, but think of the lives you will save.


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