My cool roommate came home the other day with a huge smile on his face. He walks in the door and throws this bag on the table telling me that I need to check this shit out. He pulls out what at first thought was the coffee grinder that we already had, then I looked a little closer. It was a brand new vaporizer equipped with lights all over it to entertain our stoner brains! His excitement got me excited and my marijuana glands began to get excited at the thought. Immediately afterwards I was informed that we smoked all of our herbs the night before. Naturally, we make some phone calls. About 6 hours later, still no luck. So we get a great new smoking device that we can’t even use all day because we randomly find ourselves in a dry spell (which never happens in the city). How goddamn Class6 is that?
McLovin: Photo Credit
You look like a combination of 8 people that I know all at once.
So, that new roommate that we got, we finally got her to wake up the other night to take her out to a friend’s party. After I raped face at beer pong and every other drinking game they could come up with that I changed the rules to, me and the original cool roommate went home in victory. We left that chick there because we just genuinely don’t give a shit. The next day we wake up in the morning and I open her door to yell at what I thought was an empty room saying “Did you get raped and pillaged last night?” To my surprise I heard a “yes” come from the room and then I actually looked in the door to notice a hipster that my cool roommate said looked like 8 people he knew all at once in bed with the hibernating chick that we call our roommate. Weird. Then we made her make us breakfast and clean the house as we made fun of her for the rest of the day, she has been sleeping for days since then.
Hipster: Photo Credit
Yeah, kinda like that.
There are so many kinds of farts out there that we can’t categorize them all. The other day we were sitting around smoking, drinking, and doing other sorts of dumbfuckery when I had to fart. Naturally, I did not hesitate and let it go immediately. There was some serious thrust going on with this fart and I seriously elevated off the floor a little bit letting it go. My cool roommate sitting across the room in a chair suddenly had a disturbed look take over his face as he said in a fearful tone, “I felt the vibrations from your fart in my testicles.” Now I know that a guys balls can be sensitive, but I did not know that they could be used to detect farts from across the room. So now I wonder, what other things can our testicles pick up on out in the world? Also, should I be worried about having such powerful farts?
Heavy Vibrations: Photo Credit
So my roommate likes to be poor as shit and loves to shop at this place called Aldis. If you are unfamiliar with Aldis, it is like worst excuse for a grocery store ever. It is piss poor, they don’t have shelves, there isn’t a single product that isn’t a knock off of a real product, and everything in there is probably beyond expired but at least everything is priced outrageously cheap. Anyway, my roommate got some bread from there the other day, but for some reason it was wet. After tossing around the idea that he will probably die if he eats it, we decided that if we toast the bread that it should dry out and be edible. Sounds logical, right? Well we put that shit in the toaster and somehow it came out wetter than it went in like it was dick in pussy or something. Lesson learned, don’t eat wet bread made by aliens from outer space, even if you toast it.
Crop Circle Cereal: Photo Credit
So, I have had this stalker for a while now. Apparently she used to work at the same place that I interned at, but we never worked together or even met there. A few weeks after I finished my internship there, she popped up out of the wood work and started her long stalking journey. After a few failed attempts of trying to get me in bed with her or even talk to me in general, I thought that she had lost interest. I deleted her from Facebook and thought everything would go back to normal. Within a week she got back on her mission to stalk me down and take advantage of me again. She keeps trying to persuade me into her pussy with offerings of candy, Big Mac’s, and her fake tits (which I dislike because I prefer the real thing). It’s been almost 6 months and this dedicated little stalker is still on the case. Have you ever had a stalker? How do you deal with them? Should I sleep with her to get her off my back? Should I take the bag of candy and kick her out immediately afterwards? On the bright side, I found out that it is proper etiquette to let your stalker buy your drinks without feeling bad, so if you do have a stalker go ahead and let them liquor you up (just watch out for roofies).
Stalker Cat: Photo Credit
Thumbs up for those chicks that promised they would outdrink you!
So I just got another new roommate at the apartment. At first things seemed great, but after our first night of drinking with her at the place, things are not looking so good. She took a few shots (3-4) of vodka with us while we pounded some beers and were chillin with other people. Not long afterwards, she fell out of a chair and hit (love tapped at best) her head on the tape deck that was laying on the floor. This couldn’t have happened at a rate that was any faster than watching a hippopotamus evolve into a rock. Somehow this made her pass out. It’s been a week and she’s only come out of her room about 3 times since. How do you take a few shots and pass out for a week? It’s like that collision of her head on the tape deck somehow put her in a coma that lasted longer than cassettes were ever popular.
She is extinct. Unfortunately, so are these beautiful machines.
On a positive note, she did wake up the other day for my other roommate and I to sneak in some funny shit. My original roommate told her at about 9a.m. right as she walks out of her room in the morning that “We require you to make us breakfast.” About ten minutes later we had pancakes on our plates even though we were only kind of kidding. Also the other night she woke up for a few minutes late at night, and the same roommate told her that he was too tired to make fun of her, she immediately responded in a sincere tone “that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me!” That very quote both made me laugh and feel extremely sorry for how sad this girl’s life must be if that was the nicest thing that we have said to her.
Bathroom: Photo Credit
Boombox: Photo Credit
I got so shit faced last night.
Sometimes you are just really good at doing things drunk. Especially at things you can’t/wont do sober. I had another case of this last night. I woke up this morning to a delightful phone call from a friend, but after I realized that it wasn’t 9:07am (was more like 3:28pm), I threw my ass out of bed. That’s when my shin was kind enough to tell me that I had apparently thrown my chair down on the floor. After I hopped to the bathroom to have my morning piss (those ones that feel like mini orgasms), I came back to realize that I had put a trash bag in one of my trash cans. I never do that. I don’t really see the point. But apparently I was so drunk that I thought it would be a great idea to put bags in all my trash cans. So now for the next week I’ll get to reap the benefits of alcohol by throwing away trash into a bag in a can. In addition to that I found my N64 game collection well organized and the house as a whole was pretty clean compared to the way that I though I left things the night before. Who said drinking doesn’t help you in life?