Rape and Pillage Our Women!

How to be a hipster

You look like a combination of 8 people that I know all at once.

So, that new roommate that we got, we finally got her to wake up the other night to take her out to a friend’s party. After I raped face at beer pong and every other drinking game they could come up with that I changed the rules to, me and the original cool roommate went home in victory. We left that chick there because we just genuinely don’t give a shit. The next day we wake up in the morning and I open her door to yell at what I thought was an empty room saying “Did you get raped and pillaged last night?” To my surprise I heard a “yes” come from the room and then I actually looked in the door to notice a hipster that my cool roommate said looked like 8 people he knew all at once in bed with the hibernating chick that we call our roommate. Weird. Then we made her make us breakfast and clean the house as we made fun of her for the rest of the day, she has been sleeping for days since then.

Hipster: Photo Credit

Unwanted Vibrations

Heavy Vibrations from using a jack hammer

Yeah, kinda like that.

There are so many kinds of farts out there that we can’t categorize them all. The other day we were sitting around smoking, drinking, and doing other sorts of dumbfuckery when I had to fart. Naturally, I did not hesitate and let it go immediately. There was some serious thrust going on with this fart and I seriously elevated off the floor a little bit letting it go. My cool roommate sitting across the room in a chair suddenly had a disturbed look take over his face as he said in a fearful tone, “I felt the vibrations from your fart in my testicles.” Now I know that a guys balls can be sensitive, but I did not know that they could be used to detect farts from across the room. So now I wonder, what other things can our testicles pick up on out in the world? Also, should I be worried about having such powerful farts?

Heavy Vibrations: Photo Credit

Take A Few Shots And Pass Out For A Week

Two girls passed out in a guys bathroom

Thumbs up for those chicks that promised they would outdrink you!

So I just got another new roommate at the apartment. At first things seemed great, but after our first night of drinking with her at the place, things are not looking so good. She took a few shots (3-4) of vodka with us while we pounded some beers and were chillin with other people. Not long afterwards, she fell out of a chair and hit (love tapped at best) her head on the tape deck that was laying on the floor. This couldn’t have happened at a rate that was any faster than watching a hippopotamus evolve into a rock. Somehow this made her pass out. It’s been a week and she’s only come out of her room about 3 times since. How do you take a few shots and pass out for a week? It’s like that collision of her head on the tape deck somehow put her in a coma that lasted longer than cassettes were ever popular.

Cassette player boombox

She is extinct. Unfortunately, so are these beautiful machines.

On a positive note, she did wake up the other day for my other roommate and I to sneak in some funny shit. My original roommate told her at about 9a.m. right as she walks out of her room in the morning that “We require you to make us breakfast.” About ten minutes later we had pancakes on our plates even though we were only kind of kidding. Also the other night she woke up for a few minutes late at night, and the same roommate told her that he was too tired to make fun of her, she immediately responded in a sincere tone “that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me!” That very quote both made me laugh and feel extremely sorry for how sad this girl’s life must be if that was the nicest thing that we have said to her.

Bathroom: Photo Credit

Boombox: Photo Credit

Ledge lined with craft beer bottles

Talented Drunks

I got so shit faced last night.
Chair fallen over on the floor
Sometimes you are just really good at doing things drunk. Especially at things you can’t/wont do sober. I had another case of this last night. I woke up this morning to a delightful phone call from a friend, but after I realized that it wasn’t 9:07am (was more like 3:28pm), I threw my ass out of bed. That’s when my shin was kind enough to tell me that I had apparently thrown my chair down on the floor. After I hopped to the bathroom to have my morning piss (those ones that feel like mini orgasms), I came back to realize that I had put a trash bag in one of my trash cans. I never do that. I don’t really see the point. But apparently I was so drunk that I thought it would be a great idea to put bags in all my trash cans. So now for the next week I’ll get to reap the benefits of alcohol by throwing away trash into a bag in a can. In addition to that I found my N64 game collection well organized and the house as a whole was pretty clean compared to the way that I though I left things the night before. Who said drinking doesn’t help you in life?

Bagged and proper trash can

Are Drugs Really Bad?

Mr. Mackey drugs are bad mmmkay

Now what did you learn today children?

We have all been told before on countless occasions that drugs are bad mmmkay! You can’t make it through middle school anymore without thinking that drugs have got to be the coolest things on the planet. Sure, you have the handful of kids that telling all of those lies and trying to scare the living piss out of them about drugs actually worked on, but c’mon! Continue reading

The View From The Beach

A collection of beach necessitiesIn addition to the story about a better view, a few nights later we were out on the beach drinking again as usual. We we were hanging out with some redneck southerners and a few hicks from the back hills of West Virgina, when I noticed there was an older woman who had joined our crowd and was talking with some of the 16-17 year old guys. Now, I love me some older women, so naturally I approached the situation with a bottle of optimism. Within seconds of me approaching these guys a few feet away, this older woman comes up to me and starts flirting. About two minutes into this ridiculous conversation, this woman starts talking to me about how pissed she was that she had gotten arrested the other night. That’s when it hit me. This was the same crazy bitch that was just trying to sleep with her kids and speak in mixed tongues of Arabic and gibberish. Then I started looking around, out of the 20 or so people who were out on the beach with us that night, only 5 of us were over the age of 19. This brought to mind the question of what exactly did this woman mean the night before when she said that she was just trying to sleep with her “children”?